What is Social-Emotional Development?

Social-Emotional Development isn’t a new concept; it’s just gotten a new volume of attention in recent years. By definition, social-emotional development is the cultivation of the strategies we use in our relationships and in processing emotions. In other words, it’s the ways we show up to relationships, communicate about our feelings, and respond to other people’s feelings. Just like it sounds, social-emotional development deals with all the aspects of life which include both relationships and emotions.
(And that’s a pretty big chunk of the human experience.)

Because when I say “relationships,” here, I’m referring to the exchanges you have with every. single. person. you. meet. I like the way Dictionary.com says it; paraphrased, it defines relationship as “the mutual dealings, connections, or feelings between two people.” Think about the mutual dealings you have on a daily basis:

… the person who checks out your groceries… the person who makes an aggressive gesture at you in traffic… the person you’ve worked with for 10 years… your kiddo’s playmate… your newest customer… your child’s teacher… your best friend… that person who comments on your post… the Starbuck’s barista… the kid who says something rude to you… your partner… the stranger who pays you a compliment… your parent… the host of the club meeting…. your next-door neighbor… your new boss… your children…

And your social-emotional development will determine the way you show up to each and every relationship, each and every day.

Everyone “has” social-emotional development. You might have a lot of it, or just a little; your development might be above or below average; you might even be advanced in one aspect of it, but underdeveloped in another—all just like a person’s vocabulary or athletic ability.

Social-emotional development is NOT the two separate categories, “social development” and “emotional development,” just grouped together. It’s more like the area between those two categories, kind of like a Venn diagram; it’s where our social lives overlap with our emotions. So a person does not need to be well-developed socially and emotionally to have great social-emotional development.
To use myself as an example: largely due to my shy personality and over-sheltered adolescence, I am socially underdeveloped. And though I have progressed a lot in the ten years removed from my original lifestyle, most small talk is still awkward and many socially-common topics of conversation still feel unfamiliar to me.
However, when I am connecting with people on a deeper level, talking about our emotional experiences, or exchanging ideas, I speak easily and feel comfortable. This speaks to my level of social-emotional development.

In relational scenarios of deeper connections, discussing emotions and ideas, the emotional experience is being brought into the social experience, and thus social-emotional development is called upon.

Another example: You might deal with your anger in very physical ways like lashing out or slamming things, without ever stopping to think about why you’re angry or what can be done about it. This would speak to your level of emotional development.
But if you were able to talk about your anger with the person who’s offended you, respectfully communicate your needs and boundaries, and find a win-win solution, you would be displaying good social-emotional development.

In our American culture, little emphasis has been placed on social-emotional development in the past. So, not surprisingly, little social-emotional development has occurred in our culture’s past. Since one’s emotions and relationship strategies weren’t considered priorities of a productive lifestyle, the commonly sparse development in those areas wasn’t of much concern to the average Joe. More measurable things like career, financial success, and settling down and raising a family were considered the most productive recipients of one’s attention; those flowery things like feelings and communication were just for the people whose heads were stuck in the clouds. But as Neuroscience (a parent-science of social-emotional development) began to take off in the 1960’s, it became increasingly apparent to scientists that our social-emotional development, or lack thereof, directly affects our capacity for success and a high quality of life.

Now a few decades later, we’ve warmed to this understanding. We can generally accept that the way we communicate can make or break our career; the way we set boundaries and handle conflicts can attract or repel healthy friendships; that an ability to empathize with another’s emotions comes in handy when we want to make a marriage last; that self-discipline and patience are more likely to support financial success than irresponsibility and impulsivity. As a concept, most of us can recognize the connection between being socially-emotionally well-developed, and a high quality of life.

But we often forget just how thoroughly our social-emotional development influences our daily experiences. Our social-emotional development determines how we set our boundaries and how well we enforce them… how often we say things we don't mean… how clearly we understand our own feelings on a certain subject… how easily we can admit when we’re wrong… how kind or rude we are when we're in a bad mood… how we handle it when others are kind or rude to us…
Our social-emotional development also heavily influences our emotional landscape, and our ability to cope with our own emotions and the emotions of others. Development in this area largely controls the ways we handle our disappointment, anger, excitement, hope… and directs the way we respond when other people express or show their emotions to us. It drives our conduct when someone disagrees with us or threatens something we believe in. It influences who we choose as friends, and who we try to avoid…
(… Obviously, in making a list of “the areas of our lives directly influenced by our social-emotional development,” we could go on for quite a while…)

So, the way I see it, the science of social emotional development wisely offers us healthier ways of relating to ourselves, others, and the world with honesty, authenticity, and personal responsibility.
And from my perspective, the ability to relate to myself, to others, and to the world with honesty, authenticity, and personal responsibility is perhaps the most important ability a human being can develop.
Because, from my Outsider’s point of view, that’s the surest path to a fulfilling and joyful life.